How Could You Imagine A Better TMNT Movie - Because I Can't

How Can You Possibly Imagine A Better TMNT Movie? – Because I Can’t

How can you possibly imagine a better TMNT Movie? I can’t for the life of me understand why you or anyone else could have such high expectations of a film that involves Michael Bay, a ski lodge and four giant kung-fu Turtles. This isn’t to say that I disliked the trailer, that  I fail to understand the appeal of the franchise or worse: I’m yet another depressive columnist… I’m just a realist.

In most respects, the teaser trailer for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ticked all of the boxes: the film’s entire plot wasn’t ruined, we’re given tidbits of information about the main characters, we got brief glimpses of some action sequences and the teaser concludes by revealing the final design of  the Turtles. Furthermore, it would appear that the dialogue will be more realistic than previous incarnations – a refusal to give into fart jokes, cheesy one liners and unrealistic catchphrases.

Am I excited about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Fuck no, but I also refuse to condemn a film having only seen a teaser trailer. Let’s face facts: legions of horny teenage boys will lust after Megan Fox, audience action sequences will be as non violent as possible and the final design of the characters has been engineered to appeal to young children. Be honest: can you imagine any movie studio that wouldn’t want to rekindle the merchandising inferno of the late 1980’s?

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles it’s an established brand that loosely falls under the category of a superhero comic-book movie. It’s also film that taps into viewer’s nostalgia and is a brand that retains a place in our popular culture. This association that has led to a vast network of geek blogs, websites and social media juggernauts to advertise and build hype for the movie no cost to the studio.

How many other franchises can you think of that a studio could purchase the rights to for peanuts, that appeals to a wide demographic, can be advertised worldwide for free and has an enormous potential for selling merchandise? The only way to destroy this is by giving hardcore fans the film they want to see: a Tarantino roundhouse kick to the face, with wall to wall decapitations, hideous mutations and Megan Fox gangbanged in the backseat of the Turtle Van. It will never happen.

Should you take all of the above into consideration, it’s not difficult to understand the motives behind the film being greenlit. Thus, it’s impossible to imagine a better TMNT movie.

Chris McCarron

I'm an angry Scotsman, fanatical about Doctor Who with a savage hunger for comic-books and an unrivalled passion for video games. Owner of GoGoChimp